Managing Technologists Through Life Events
Of all the topics I wish I had more training on as a first-time manager, handling difficult conversations and colleague life events is at the top of the list. Since taking over managing responsibilities for an awesome team of advocates, I feel more confident in leveraging my management experience, life experience and coaching training to support and grow people. That’s a fortunate position given that Unmind’s Closing the Leadership Skills Gap report reported that 84% of surveyed managers said they had received no formal training in people leadership skills.
Managing and supporting colleagues with empathy requires drawing on your own experiences. As a first-time manager in 2018, I wanted guidance, resources, and rules of thumb. After my 2024 miscarriage, I found some fantastic resources, such as this guide from the Miscarriage Association and this guide from Sue Ryder on bereavement support. But I still wanted some practical tips and knowledge from others that I couldn’t find. So here we are!
In this piece, I will outline the type of event managers may need to support colleagues. I’ll share practical tips on how to support them as a manager (and human) and tips for those going through it on handling working in tech through events and your recovery.
Content warning: this piece refers to upsetting topics, including loss and miscarriage. If these topics trigger you right now, feel free to skip straight to the Resources section at the end for organisations that can help and support you.
Event types
We need to stop thinking that upsetting events are something that you just deal with on personal time. The events we are talking about in this case are those that would be eligible for taking compassionate leave at short notice.
Types of unexpected events include, but are not limited to:
- Loss of a close family member such as parents, children or other direct relatives. Many companies have dedicated bereavement leave entitlements for this type of event, albeit it may have stipulations on the relationship to the deceased. Some countries also have specific leave types, including the UK, where Statutory Parental Bereavement Leave was introduced in 2020.
- Loss of other individuals in your life, such as extended family, grandparents or pets. These may not be covered by bereavement leave but could be eligible for compassionate leave, depending on your company policy.
- Critical illness of yourself, a partner, or a close family member such as a parent or a child.
- Life-threatening injury or illness.
- Mental health challenges.
- Divorce and separation.
- Natural disasters or epidemics.
- Miscarriage or child loss. Note that in the UK, stillbirth after 24 weeks of pregnancy comes under Statutory Parental Bereavement Leave introduced in 2020. They may also qualify for maternity leave in the case of stillbirth is covered in this video shared by the Miscarriage Association.
Guidance for all
All employees should be familiar with the company policies for compassionate and bereavement leave for your region and be able to search for local differences for your employees if a manager. It’s important to bear in mind that companies may have leave policies above the entitlement of the jurisdiction, so it’s important to also check your legal entitlement where you live. I was lucky that at Elastic, reading the policies was part of my initial training. It was at least in the back of my mind. I don’t remember having to read these policies as part of onboarding at prior employers, and I wish these policies were called out more.
You also need to ensure your bookmarks for these policies are current. In my panic, while going through my miscarriage, I wanted to check the entitlement, and in my panicked state, I found my bookmarks were out of date and struggled to find the new resources. Now, I ensure I have up-to-date shortcuts. Furthermore employers can also ensure these policies are available directly on intranet home pages and/or the documentation portal home.
Manager Guidance
For managers living in fear of a situation where you need to support a team member through one of these complex life events, don’t panic! In my experience of both sides, I’ve found the following tips have helped, and I’ve personally appreciated them while being supported by my own manager.
You may be surprised
These events are, by definition, unexpected. You may find some types of events, such as the bereavement of a colleague or a family member after a critical illness, may be expected, albeit still hurtful.
Take miscarriage as a particular example. As a manager, you may not even know your team member is pregnant yet. The NHS states that 3 in every 4 miscarriages happen before the 12th week of pregnancy. In the UK, you don’t need to notify your employer of your pregnancy until 15 weeks before the week the baby is due as per their pregnant employee’s rights. In my first pregnancy I waited as long as possible to tell my manager and HR because I didn’t want to be treated differently (which happened anyway similarly to those experienced and shared by Marharyta Nedzelska in her amazing talk).
In my case, I hadn’t told my manager I was pregnant yet, and worked from home through my symptoms until my miscarriage was confirmed by a scan just under a week later. He knew something was up as the team knew I had attended A&E as I let the team know (the emergency department for non-UK people). He probably knew it was still going since I cancelled a 1:1 twice. But I’m pretty sure he wasn’t expecting that news.
Another factor may be how it’s communicated. It’s not always going to be communicated verbally. A DM or email may be more appropriate if:
- You work in a global team with a manager located elsewhere.
- You may not be comfortable crying in front of your boss. It was hard enough telling my son, friends and family members this news without tears. Perhaps it’s my values and generation, but some cultures and generations may consider crying unprofessional.
- You may be in the middle of the situation and AFK (away from keyboard).
Considering these factors it’s safe to say you may be taken off guard when you receive this unfortunate news from your colleague. It’s ok to be shocked. If you have experienced a similar event in your life it may also be triggering. Both are ok!
Be a human 1st
Despite your surprise, it’s important to be a human 1st. This was the best advice I ever received from a mentor when I asked about handling delicate personal circumstances with direct reports as a newbie manager, and it remains relevant now. Manager as a term can seem odd as we’re supporting people and helping them manage their deliverables as part of a broader strategy, not resources, as we have the terrible habit of defaulting to in some corporate settings. Here you have a human going through an upsetting and unexpected event and has probably been handling it for longer than you realise.
At that moment, show support and ask them how they are. Listen fully and thoroughly to the answer. This is not the time to solve or fix anything, which many managers of a software engineering background may be tempted to do. Instead, ask open questions and coach the individual to see what possible help or adjustments they need. Possible adjustments could include:
- Working from home (yes really!).
- Adjusted hours, especially if they have follow up appointments or arrangements to make for events such as funerals.
- Phased return to work.
- Workstation adaptations (if suitable).
- Time off to handle associated life admin. I certainly didn’t have any significant life admin, but in the case of bereavement, they may have will execution and estate wind-down responsibilities.
You may be worried about deliverables at this point. Time-critical deliverables may need to be delegated. For those following time-boxed ways of working, such as Scrum, this does NOT mean something due at the end of the current sprint must be picked up by remaining team members. In this circumstance, an incomplete story at the end of the sprint should not be your priority at this precise moment. Consider if managing stakeholder expectations and carrying the work is more appropriate.
Remember that absences raised in internal systems can be backdated. Remind them of the procedure to mark the absence, and advise them to either add it when they can or offer to add it on your side if possible. In both my and my husband’s case (he experienced the loss too of course), we already had annual leave booked. Changing the leave classification, in this case, is essential as it gives your employee back the time to legitimately rest later (more on why in the employee section covered later).
Ask for help
The first time you handle one of these compassionate events as a manager, it can feel intimidating. Learning to lead and support people is scary enough, as people feel more breakable than code. And this is a potentially vulnerable person!
You may also be unsure what adjustments you can offer this person, if their adjustments are reasonable and can be supported, or which type of leave the event qualifies for. If the policy is still unclear, contact HR for guidance via the correct internal channels if needed. Also, ensure that any follow-ups you do are remediated and promptly communicated to the individual.
I would also recommend following up to HR to see if they have any specific policies covering this type of event in addition to compassionate leave policies. Some companies may have specific policies outlining support for specific events including miscarriage, bereavement and critical illness.
Express condolences as a team
Marking condolences with flowers or cards is common in many cultures (although not all which should be considered), and in that case, should extend to colleagues. Some companies have procedures to automate the sending of flowers or cards centrally. Others rely on managers to organise more ad-hoc activities, both of which are ok.
It’s important to send them at the right time. Both my husband and I were appreciative of the flowers and cards we both received from colleagues after our loss. I was also grateful my colleagues also gave me a gift to help me recuperate (💜). Both teams also sent them after we had returned home from our travels. Particularly for those having to travel for a bereavement and cultures that hold funerals and burials within a few days, the last thing you want is for the delivery not to be received, or indeed your colleague coming home to dead flowers!
It happens! However, in my case, it was a relative rather than colleagues that sent flowers while we were away.
The usual reward processes don’t stop!
These events can strike at any time. Including around the time of key deadlines such as submission of promotion cases. This highlights the importance of regular career conversations and documentation of key evidence for promotion cases. If that individual is unexpectedly away for a compassionate event, you can’t ping them for help with the evidence. Or worse, I’ve heard stories of friends who have had to complete their case paperwork because their boss claimed to be “too busy”. In that case, a compassionate event could delay their promotion to the next cycle.
My experience was excellent (given the circumstances) in that I returned to my case being submitted while I was out. Of course, legal protections exist in many countries to prevent discrimination on protected characteristics such as pregnancy, including in the UK where I reside. Albeit it felt challenging to celebrate an achievement after a moment of despair and loss, I was relieved that I hadn’t missed the opportunity.
Still, celebrate events
Sadly, it’s the case that some types of celebratory events can be triggers for those who have experienced loss or disappointment. I remember in my prior company seeing the looks of disappointment of those who missed out on promotion when others were celebrating their promotion day. For those who have encountered pregnancy loss or fertility struggles, seeing another’s pregnancy thrive or hearing others’ good news can be a reminder that that is no longer you. Just like those going through separation or divorce may struggle to hear about a colleague’s wedding plans.
I’ve discussed with friends that this presents a conundrum as to whether you celebrate in those instances. And in that case, I say a strong resounding yes. Of course, be that listening ear for those colleagues who will struggle for a moment and may need a sounding board. But I would never want to see teams not celebrate wins in those regards or share gifts for impending arrivals. It shows me how much more critical sharing and celebrating those moments is.
Colleague Guidance
While providing a resource for managers was the aim of this piece, it would be a missed opportunity to share some advice for those going through a compassionate event who may want advice on handling their situation. Here, I evaluate the techniques that did and sometimes didn’t work for me.
Have leave policies bookmarked
As stated previously in the Common Guidance section, ensure you know your current company’s leave policies in your location from your start date and have it bookmarked for easy access. Furthermore, update your bookmarks if your documentation systems are changed or migrated.
This advice comes from direct experience. While going back and forth to the hospital, being pinged between different services, and hours spent on the phone trying to get assistance, I wanted to remind myself of whether compassionate leave applied to my case if I was confirmed as having a miscarriage. In my panic and frustration (yes I’ll admit it), even someone familiar with search struggled to find the documentation. It can happen to anyone.
While it’s not urgent or comfortable, make sure you know your company’s compassionate leave policy and your local and legal entitlement.
Don’t be a meeting martyr
Be kind to yourself and cancel meetings until your news is resolved. In some of these situations, you may be awaiting news in an anxious state while still working in the background. Having some aspect of your everyday routine and working on solo tasks such as coding, code reviews, and admin can be valuable and helpful distractions. For me, they were. However, when it comes to meetings, I should have just declined them earlier.
Confirmation of my non-viable pregnancy took 6 days from my initial symptoms, 3 of which were working days (thanks to a lUK bank holiday). I was bounced between different services while using work as a welcome distraction at that time. But I had 2 1:1’s and a team call that I had to decline at the last minute. I, as a stickler for timekeeping, hated doing it, so in hindsight I wish I had cancelled earlier.
Being in DevRel and speaking at events, you may need to cancel conference engagements or travel. I did. Even considering that my urgent medical appointment got moved up (leading to a frantic dash by my husband across London to get to the hospital with 2 hours notice), I would not have been in the right headspace to present.
It doesn’t matter if you’ll be back from the hospital in time and can juggle around it. In my case, I found medical practitioners are just as optimistic as Fred Brooks thought programmers are as covered in the seminal text The Mythical Man Month. Sadly their optimism didn’t alleviate my anxiety. It might be that everything is ok, and it isn’t bad news. But take a moment to think of your mental state after that news. Even if it’s positive news, you may need decompression time.
To be safe, decline the meeting and focus on your headspace instead!
Take your entitlement*
You may consider that not taking your compassionate leave shows that you’re strong and resilient. Particularly for Brits like myself, who, with our stiff upper lips in the air, live by the ethos of “keep calm and carry on”. Particularly if you already have planned time off as I did. While routine can be a useful aid in handling grief, you should never feel forced to push through the routine.
Refusing your time doesn’t show your resilience. At my follow-up scan where the nurse confirmed my miscarriage had completed, I requested a doctor’s note for 2 days sick to cover the medical appointment days before I went on vacation. Cue a very confused doctor appearing, asking why I only needed 2 days (2 weeks is the standard). I confirmed that we were already on annual leave from work, and I only wanted coverage for the working days. To which he advised that I should have that leave converted to sick or compassionate leave for use for legitimate rest at a later date.
I mean… he had a point. It wasn’t a restful holiday. I remember my heart breaking as I told my son that he wouldn’t be a big brother, giving him a cuddly toy to remember the baby. I was still miscarrying and cramping while sitting on the couch with heat and pain relief at a relative’s home. Personalisation and permanence, as per Seliman’s 3 P’s of Resilience, were rolling rife through my brain as I blamed myself for being defective and thinking my grief would last forever. Not taking the leave doesn’t make you strong. Instead, powering through can leave you weak and struggling at work.
Software systems can be changed. That annual leave can be added back to your entitlement and replaced with compassionate leave. In my case, I raised an HR request and had it actioned very promptly (as per the advice for managers from the prior section). Although my husband’s request took a little longer, he too got his leave changed to compassionate leave instead. Many systems allow you to make a request, but if you are in doubt (or panic, as in my case), just ask!
Grieving doesn’t only happen on personal time
When you do return to work, you will still be grieving. Processing a loss takes months, not just the 2 weeks you take for compassionate leave. Some people struggle returning to work, while others like me may find that the work routine is helpful. Even when you return to work, grief doesn’t fit nicely outside working hours.
I was lucky that I had wonderful supportive colleagues who asked me how I was doing, and listened fully and compassionately to the answer and didn’t shift awkwardly if my voice broke as I spoke. I had similar experiences to Sheryl Sandberg, which she outlines in her book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy, where sometimes I did find some people didn’t quite know how to talk to me about what happened or what I was going through. Thankfully that wasn’t my colleagues!
For a while after, I experienced what I (affectionately, not dismissively) call “Wobbles”. Sheryl refers to them as Crying Breaks. Sometimes, these moments of sadness would come out of the blue, meaning I had to take a minute. Quite often, they were triggered by external factors, such as:
- Seeing pregnant women or newborns out and about.
- Reminders of previously cancelled medical appointments related to my pregnancy. As a software engineer, this system limitation leaves me particularly irritated as I know it’s possible.
- Social media adverts on baby items that persisted even after scrubbing my settings (and according to this BBC article I’m not the only one).
- News of others in my life being pregnant (but never in a way that I would never want to congratulate them).
- A UK election freepost circular put through my door that had a picture of an unborn fetus on the front. Don’t worry it was promptly ripped up and put in the outside bin as I didn’t even want it in the house.
- Songs about loss playing on my playlist.
I am fortunate enough to have the option to work from home if I’m not at an event. When I had a wobble at home, I could take a break from my desk or switch off my camera on calls as needed.
Sadly some triggers appeared in the office too, which can be more difficult to escape. On my second day back at work I was hosting a meetup in the office and got chatting to a lovely attendee who was transitioning back into work after finishing her second stint of maternity leave. It was definitely not her fault, and I was happy to chat about experiences based on my own maternity leave return some years earlier with my son. But I won’t lie, that was an emotional sucker punch.
Be aware of potential spaces that you can duck into for an unexpected break in the office, conference venue, or any area you are working in. Be on the lookout for wellness spaces, empty meeting rooms, or even a spare toilet stall at a pinch.
Don’t let work be an escape
Don’t feel guilty about adapting or moving deliverables around when you start back to make them manageable. There is a fine line between establishing a regular working pattern with achievable deliverables as a routine, and using work as an escape from your grief.
When I came back to work, I was angry at myself as my code demos and new talk that was due for a conference in a few weeks was nowhere close to where I wanted it. I confided in a friend about how far behind I was and they had some great advice. Through coaching I managed to form a plan of what I could get working, and then adapted the talk to authentically lean into the failure (in this case, my custom ML model couldn’t find the cake). It’s now a talk that many people commend me on for being relatable, that I am proud of, and that reminds me that I’m human too.
This advice is not just for the weeks following a loss. I should have also followed this advice a few months later on the month where I would have been due. Key events such as the first holidays and milestones following a loss can be just as hard as the weeks after. Because they are different to what you feel they should have been. I would have been due in a month that is busy for DevRel due to the sheer number of conferences running. Therefore, my brain told me to keep busy and have a ton of conferences in my schedule. Rather than being a helpful regular routing, I found the travel and lack of flex in my schedule made handling grief hard. Almost as if I was running away from the problem.
Be mindful of those times where you expect to have wobbles, and be kind to yourself. In those moments I ensured I followed my own advice regarding my social battery, specifically retreating to my hotel room to recharge in the evenings if needed.
Conclusion
In this piece I’ve discussed the challenges managers and colleagues face in compassionate events, presented the types of event where compassionate leave should be applied, and shared tips from my own experiences on how to handle them as humans. If you have read to this point I commend you! Discussion of these topics is hard, and therefore important to share.
I’m glad to report that I’m now doing well, and wobbles are very rare. Grief does ease over time, and you build resilience. I am lucky that I had wonderful support from friends, family and colleagues.
It’s also important to mark those events to help resolve them. One of the best things we did was apply for a Baby Loss Certificate and a Christmas decoration for our tree to ensure their time was marked.
If you’re struggling, or want help and guidance for a difficult event, check out the below resources, or use them to find equivalent organisations in your area. Take care!
Thanks for reading!
Help & Resources
If you’re looking for more resources or organisations to support you at a difficult time, check out the below resources. These are UK specific, but have useful guidance and could give you an idea of how to search for organisations in your area. Please note this is not an exhaustive list and there are many wonderful organisations out there to help.
Miscarriage and Child Loss
- Miscarriage Association: Employers and managers: information and support
- Miscarriage Association
- UK Government: Request a baby loss certificate
- Daddy’s with Angels
- Child Bereavement UK
- Baby Loss Support Guidance: University of Glasgow
Bereavement
- Mind: Support and self-care for bereavement
- UK Government: Bereavement help and support
- Cruse Bereavement Support
- Winston’s Wish
- The Good Grief
- Sue Ryder
- Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience & Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam M. Grant
Critical Illness
Mental Health
Divorce & Separation
Natural Disaster and Epidemic Support


















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